Monday, 24 March 2014


I read a book the other day and one of the characters had had Hodgkin's lymphoma. Some of the things that character said about his cancer struck me and perfectly described some of the things that I have been thinking about. It's so hard for me to put into words the way I feel about my whole cancer situation and the whole dreaded fear thingy of if it comes back. Anyways, the character's words got me thinking and I'm going to try to write down how I actually feel about this whole thing.

Back in August last year, I was trying to explain to someone that if I had to do it all over again, I would. This person was shocked. My siblings were shocked when they heard this. It's still true today even though I'm scared to heck that it actually will come back. If that makes any sense at all.

Basically, I believe that God brought that trial upon me to bring me closer to Him and if that means that He wants me to go through it again to bring me even closer to Him then there is no way that I wouldn't do it.

It scares me and yet it doesn't.

I know I probably shouldn't be talking about cancer things anymore because it all happened awhile ago now, but little things still weigh on my mind and it is still a big part of my life even though I have now been off treatment for a little over 8 months. (!) This makes me happy and kind of scared at the same time because I always hear of people who relapse within a year.

Ugh. I keep going back and forth about how happy and yet scared I am. Mixed emotions.

I'm happy for a time and then I freak out because I wake up crying from a nightmare in which I had had three large tumors protruding from my stomach. Goodness. I MUST stop talking/obsessing about these things. It doesn't do me any good.

I guess it all comes down to faith. Faith in Christ. Knowing and believing that everything that happens, happens for a purpose. You might not know why now but later on you will have an 'aha' moment and understand why it all happened. That 'aha' moment definitely makes it all worth it. God finally lets you understand the purpose of your trial.

Anyhow. That's my little ramble for the day.