and I ramble once again

We'll never know why. We will never discover the purpose for our suffering. Suffering wouldn't be the same if we knew the reason for it. Romans 8 says, "For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." The only thing we know is that we suffer so that our faith will grow stronger. And so we need to keep our eyes fixed on heaven. The final prize makes all the suffering worth it no matter how hard it is. No matter how hard life gets and how much it might suck, we need to keep turning back to Jesus and we must hang onto him. 

I've needed to remind myself of these things lately. Otherwise I get lost; lost in the "what-if's" and the "why's". I've also discovered lately that it is good to have a plan. Any sort of plan no matter how small it is. I lost sight of my plan for awhile and stopped thinking about getting better from this cancer. I didn't think about the future at all. But lately I've realized that that is not a good thing. And so I have my plan back again. It's not a big future plan. It's small. But I've got it back again. And I'm happier now. I'm not stuck in a rut of nothingness. My plan is to be healthy by August. It might not happen that way but at least I'm working towards something again.    

Cancer is terrible and it often feels like my body is turning against me but the cancer will be obliterated. It will not destroy me. I will conquer it. 

The Bible verse that is super inspiring to me right now: "I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD." - Ps. 118:17

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not communicating with you all. The last 2 months have been crazy busy but I know that's no excuse.

I have cancer again. Thankfully, it was caught early and that is a big blessing. After the diagnosis it didn't take me long to realize that I didn't want to do chemotherapy again. Not that it was an extremely terrible experience last time, but because in my gut I didn't feel like it was the right thing to do.

To clarify, I made this important decision on my own without the influence of others. Many people have supported me in this decision and that has also blessed me.

Over the last 2 months I have been pursuing natural treatment options. I have been incredibly busy with these treatments and daily I strive to get healthy and destroy the tumors inside of me. It is a lot of hard work and everyday is a battle.

A few things have come up that have slowed down the process of me getting better. With all the efforts to kill the bad cells we had forgotten about the importance of making sure those dead cells actually leave my body. After visiting one of my doctors, we found out that my liver was barely functioning because it was/is so overloaded with toxins. After a week of doing things to renew my liver the function level went up a bit but it is still working slowly. Please pray that my liver would be rejuvenated and that it would be restored to full health. :) Yes, I know. It's a weird prayer request. But when you have cancer, many things are weird.

As of late, I've also been having some trouble sleeping. The tumor in my arm likes to make its presence known at night by being painful which causes me to have restless sleep. With the help of some supplements I've been able to get some good sleep but I'm hoping that soon I can sleep without them.

So that's my life in a nutshell. My focus everyday is that every single cancer cell in my body would be destroyed. I pray that God would use all these natural treatments to destroy the stupid tumor in my arm.

I want you all to understand that overall, I feel amazing. My body is super healthy and it is fighting. I have not given up the fight. I'm not letting myself die. I have faith that with Christ all things are possible. 

good news :)

Today we went to BC Children's Hospital. When Mom and I arrived there at 9:30, I checked myself in and picked up my bloodwork requisition. We headed upstairs to the lab where after a little bit of digging around in my arm the lab lady finally struck gold and the first step to my visit was completed. After this we walked over to the longterm visit clinic which we found out was closed so away we went back to the outpatient clinic area. After some waiting (which you can't avoid when you are at the hospital), I had my height and weight checked by a nurse. After some more waiting, an intern clinical doctor from South Africa (she had an awesome accent) brought me into an office where she checked me out. Shortly thereafter I got my ECG and Echo done and the results of those were normal. By this time it was 11:30 and Mom and I headed back to the Oncology clinic where we waited to see Dr. Rassekh (my doctor/oncologist). When I finally went in to talk with him, I informed him about the pain in my arm and because he is such an awesome guy he sent me for an X-Ray right away. By the time I was finished with my X-Ray it was 12:30. After about 20 minutes of more waiting Dr. Rassekh came back and called us into his office and told us the good news. He said that nothing abnormal showed up and that if it got worse I should call him and he would send me for an MRI. So the key is lots of rest and relaxation. Yay for me! :) And what I think is the best news of all, is that three years ago the bones in my elbow looked moth eaten (basically lots of holes in my bone) but now it looks normal! Praise the Lord. :)

Super happy. Now I hope that the pain will go away and be gone forever. It wasn't painful yesterday or today so hopefully it will stay that way.

Thanks for all the prayers everyone and thanks for being awesome! I really do appreciate it. :)

it has been one year

It's my one year anniversary. One year ago I went to the hospital and had my last chemo treatment. And what a year it has been since then. I can genuinely say that life is amazing and that this past year has been the best year of my life. Yes, there have been hard times, but I am doing things I love and opportunities for things that I want to do are coming my way.

As for my health, it is also doing quite well. There have been some stumbles along the way, but that's okay. I have some thyroid issues, but they are being dealt with and are going away. And I also have some pain in my arm, but I am trusting that it is just tennis elbow. All signs are pointing that way, but I see my oncologist on Monday and I will see what he says about it. I am not too worried. But at the same time,  I would really like it to go away because it can be very painful at times.

Putting all that aside, I am happy.

ramblings

I read a book the other day and one of the characters had had Hodgkin's lymphoma. Some of the things that character said about his cancer struck me and perfectly described some of the things that I have been thinking about. It's so hard for me to put into words the way I feel about my whole cancer situation and the whole dreaded fear thingy of if it comes back. Anyways, the character's words got me thinking and I'm going to try to write down how I actually feel about this whole thing.

Back in August last year, I was trying to explain to someone that if I had to do it all over again, I would. This person was shocked. My siblings were shocked when they heard this. It's still true today even though I'm scared to heck that it actually will come back. If that makes any sense at all.

Basically, I believe that God brought that trial upon me to bring me closer to Him and if that means that He wants me to go through it again to bring me even closer to Him then there is no way that I wouldn't do it.

It scares me and yet it doesn't.

I know I probably shouldn't be talking about cancer things anymore because it all happened awhile ago now, but little things still weigh on my mind and it is still a big part of my life even though I have now been off treatment for a little over 8 months. (!) This makes me happy and kind of scared at the same time because I always hear of people who relapse within a year.

Ugh. I keep going back and forth about how happy and yet scared I am. Mixed emotions.

I'm happy for a time and then I freak out because I wake up crying from a nightmare in which I had had three large tumors protruding from my stomach. Goodness. I MUST stop talking/obsessing about these things. It doesn't do me any good.

I guess it all comes down to faith. Faith in Christ. Knowing and believing that everything that happens, happens for a purpose. You might not know why now but later on you will have an 'aha' moment and understand why it all happened. That 'aha' moment definitely makes it all worth it. God finally lets you understand the purpose of your trial.

Anyhow. That's my little ramble for the day.